…in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber’s union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.”
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as “there are no virgins in their areas anyway.”
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that suicide bombers know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.”—~Lemony Snicket (via joshdaniel) (via lionversusbear)
hehehe do we?
I'm not really familiar with all the festivals we have!
I only know the infamous splendour - which is soo so sososososos expensive
and not only that, it's in qld :(
what are some other music festivals do we have? :P
I hate it when you make a friend, and then you guys start being close and you text each other a lot and you guys tell each other almost everything. But then later, everything slowly dies up to the point where you guys don't even talk anymore.
okay i have no idea how to reply to your reply because i'm crap at life (my life is tumblr, so i'm crap at tumblr, haha get it, yeah i'm hilarious), anyway so i was gunna say fuck yeah, i put on makeup and straighten my hair and get my tatts out and then feel great. but atm its like woah, i'm sure i was a female 2 seconds ago. you should add me on fb btw, search for julia cutler, its the same dp as my tumblr :)
Hahaha you are so cute, we should get married.
I’ll add you but I hope Jaimie doesn’t think I’m trying to steal her friends :P